Last night my wife and I were sitting in the living room, talking about life...
In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.
I said to her:'Dear, never let me live in a vegetative state,
totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle.
If you see me in that state I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive,
I'd much rather die'.
Then my wife got up from the sofa with this real look of admiration towards me...
and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable, the Dish, the DVD, the Computer, the Cell Phone,
the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the fridge and threw away all my beer!!
I ALMOST DIED!!!!
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jokes. Show all posts
Monday, February 8, 2010
Monday, April 6, 2009
Installing a Husband
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5..0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.htmland try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Babe!
Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5..0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NEWS 5.0, MONEY 3.0 and CRICKET 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.htmland try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
Cooking 3.0 and Hot Looks 7.7.
Good Luck Babe!
Tech Support
Friday, February 27, 2009
5 DON'T when you are sleeping.
1 DON'T SLEEP WITH WATCH
Watches can emit a certain level of radioactivity.
Though small, but if you wear your watch to bed
for a long time, it might have adverse effects on your health.
2 DON'T SLEEP WITH BRA
Scientists in America have discovered those that
wear bras for more than 12 hours have
a higher risk of getting breast cancer.
So go to bed without it.
3 DON'T SLEEP WITH PHONE
Putting the phone beside your bed or anywhere
near you is not encouraged.
Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks,
but please put the phone as far as possible.
Scientists have proved that electrical items including
mobile phone and television sets emit magnetic waves when used.
These waves can cause disruptions to our nervous system.
Therefore if you need to put your mo! bile phone near you,
switch it off first.
4 DON'T SLEEP WITH MAKE UP
People who sleep with make up might have
skin problems in the long run.
Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have
difficulty in breathing and problem in perspiring.
You will also need a much longer time to go into deep sleep.
Lastly.....
5 DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS' WIFE / HUSBAND
You may never wake up again. : )
HA..HA...HA.........!
Watches can emit a certain level of radioactivity.
Though small, but if you wear your watch to bed
for a long time, it might have adverse effects on your health.
2 DON'T SLEEP WITH BRA
Scientists in America have discovered those that
wear bras for more than 12 hours have
a higher risk of getting breast cancer.
So go to bed without it.
3 DON'T SLEEP WITH PHONE
Putting the phone beside your bed or anywhere
near you is not encouraged.
Though some of us will use phones as alarm clocks,
but please put the phone as far as possible.
Scientists have proved that electrical items including
mobile phone and television sets emit magnetic waves when used.
These waves can cause disruptions to our nervous system.
Therefore if you need to put your mo! bile phone near you,
switch it off first.
4 DON'T SLEEP WITH MAKE UP
People who sleep with make up might have
skin problems in the long run.
Sleeping with make up will cause the skin to have
difficulty in breathing and problem in perspiring.
You will also need a much longer time to go into deep sleep.
Lastly.....
5 DON'T SLEEP WITH OTHERS' WIFE / HUSBAND
You may never wake up again. : )
HA..HA...HA.........!
Friday, January 9, 2009
人啊！
人啊！
沒錢的時候，養豬；
有錢的時候，養狗。
沒錢的時候，在家裡吃野菜；
有錢的時候，在酒店吃野菜。
沒錢的時候，在馬路上騎自行車；
有錢的時候，在客廳裡騎自行車。
沒錢的時候想結婚；
有錢的時候想離婚。
沒錢的時候老婆兼秘書；
有錢的時候秘書兼老婆。
沒錢的時候假裝有錢；
有錢的時候假裝沒錢。
人啊，都不講實話：
說股票是毒品，都在玩；
說金錢是罪惡，都在撈；
說美女是禍水，都想要；
說高處不勝寒，都在爬；
說煙酒傷身體，就不戒；
說天堂最美好，都不去!!!
當今社會，窮吃肉，富吃蝦，領導幹部吃王八；
男想高，女想瘦，狗穿衣裳人露肉；
過去把第一次留給丈夫；
現在把第一胎留給丈夫。
鄉下早晨雞叫人，
城裡晚上人叫雞；
舊社會戲子賣藝不賣身，
新社會演員賣身不賣藝。
人生是什麼?
只 用 了 4 4 個 字 , 就 把 人 生 講 完 了 ...
所 以 人 與 人 , 有 啥 好 計 較 的 咧 ?
快樂好相處比較重要啦！
1 歲 時 出場亮相
10 歲 時 功課至上
20 歲 時 春心盪漾
30 歲 時 職場對抗
40 歲 時 身材發胖
50 歲 時 打打麻將
60 歲 時 老當益壯
70 歲 時 常常健忘
80 歲 時 搖搖晃晃
90 歲 時 迷失方向
100 歲 時 掛在牆上
祝大家愉快，好好做人!
沒錢的時候，養豬；
有錢的時候，養狗。
沒錢的時候，在家裡吃野菜；
有錢的時候，在酒店吃野菜。
沒錢的時候，在馬路上騎自行車；
有錢的時候，在客廳裡騎自行車。
沒錢的時候想結婚；
有錢的時候想離婚。
沒錢的時候老婆兼秘書；
有錢的時候秘書兼老婆。
沒錢的時候假裝有錢；
有錢的時候假裝沒錢。
人啊，都不講實話：
說股票是毒品，都在玩；
說金錢是罪惡，都在撈；
說美女是禍水，都想要；
說高處不勝寒，都在爬；
說煙酒傷身體，就不戒；
說天堂最美好，都不去!!!
當今社會，窮吃肉，富吃蝦，領導幹部吃王八；
男想高，女想瘦，狗穿衣裳人露肉；
過去把第一次留給丈夫；
現在把第一胎留給丈夫。
鄉下早晨雞叫人，
城裡晚上人叫雞；
舊社會戲子賣藝不賣身，
新社會演員賣身不賣藝。
人生是什麼?
只 用 了 4 4 個 字 , 就 把 人 生 講 完 了 ...
所 以 人 與 人 , 有 啥 好 計 較 的 咧 ?
快樂好相處比較重要啦！
1 歲 時 出場亮相
10 歲 時 功課至上
20 歲 時 春心盪漾
30 歲 時 職場對抗
40 歲 時 身材發胖
50 歲 時 打打麻將
60 歲 時 老當益壯
70 歲 時 常常健忘
80 歲 時 搖搖晃晃
90 歲 時 迷失方向
100 歲 時 掛在牆上
祝大家愉快，好好做人!
Friday, November 7, 2008
Crazy Ah beng ( realli funnie.!)
People - I really enjoy these jokes. Take a break to appreciate them...
crazy ah beng~~
Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because below 18 not allowed Lah !
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.
Ah Beng : 'Do you have color TV ?'
Salesgirl : 'Yes !'
Ah Beng : 'Give me a green one, please '
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng is filling up an application form for a job.
He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address etc.
Then he comes to column on 'Salary Expected', but he is not sure of the question.
After much thought, he writes ' Yes '
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Ah Beng : 'What is that shiny object ?'
Salesgirl : 'That is a thermos flask.'
Ah Beng : 'What does it do ?'
Salesgirl : 'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold'
Ah Beng : 'I'll buy it'
The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask
Boss : 'What is that shiny object ?'
Ah Beng : 'It's a thermos flask.'
Boss : 'What does it do ?'
Ah Beng : 'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold'
Boss : 'What do you have in it !?'
Ah Beng : 'Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream'
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
After taking photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares
it with the original for spelling mistakes.
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks
his picture is being taken.
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Why can't Ah Beng dial 911?
Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it.
When he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' command after some tries.
Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer retailer for support.
Ah Beng : 'I press the 'F1' key for help lah, but it's been over half an hour and still nobody come and help me Lah ?!'
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, 'I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring, lah - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear, lah' 'Oh dear !' the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. 'But.
What happened to the other ear ?'
Ah Beng answered : 'That stupid dumbo called back, lah !!!!'
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.
Ah Beng: 'COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Taipei
and LAS VEGAS ?'
Operator: 'JUST A MINUTE...'
Ah Beng : 'THANK YOU lah' AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
'It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT', Ah Beng brags.
'FIVE MONTHS ? THAT'S TOO LONG', the friend exclaims.
'YOU ARE A FOOL.' Ah Beng replies, 'SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN 'FOR 4-7 YRS'.
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender, 'JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE' and his companion says, 'JACK DANIELS, SINGLE'.
The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, 'AND YOU, SIR ?'
Ah Beng replies : 'Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED lah'
-------? ? ? ? ? ? ?-------
crazy ah beng~~
Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because below 18 not allowed Lah !
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.
Ah Beng : 'Do you have color TV ?'
Salesgirl : 'Yes !'
Ah Beng : 'Give me a green one, please '
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng is filling up an application form for a job.
He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address etc.
Then he comes to column on 'Salary Expected', but he is not sure of the question.
After much thought, he writes ' Yes '
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Ah Beng : 'What is that shiny object ?'
Salesgirl : 'That is a thermos flask.'
Ah Beng : 'What does it do ?'
Salesgirl : 'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold'
Ah Beng : 'I'll buy it'
The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask
Boss : 'What is that shiny object ?'
Ah Beng : 'It's a thermos flask.'
Boss : 'What does it do ?'
Ah Beng : 'It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold'
Boss : 'What do you have in it !?'
Ah Beng : 'Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream'
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
After taking photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares
it with the original for spelling mistakes.
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks
his picture is being taken.
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Why can't Ah Beng dial 911?
Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it.
When he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' command after some tries.
Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer retailer for support.
Ah Beng : 'I press the 'F1' key for help lah, but it's been over half an hour and still nobody come and help me Lah ?!'
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, 'I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring, lah - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear, lah' 'Oh dear !' the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. 'But.
What happened to the other ear ?'
Ah Beng answered : 'That stupid dumbo called back, lah !!!!'
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.
Ah Beng: 'COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN Taipei
and LAS VEGAS ?'
Operator: 'JUST A MINUTE...'
Ah Beng : 'THANK YOU lah' AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
'It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT', Ah Beng brags.
'FIVE MONTHS ? THAT'S TOO LONG', the friend exclaims.
'YOU ARE A FOOL.' Ah Beng replies, 'SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN 'FOR 4-7 YRS'.
-------? ? ? ? ? ?-------
At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender, 'JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE' and his companion says, 'JACK DANIELS, SINGLE'.
The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, 'AND YOU, SIR ?'
Ah Beng replies : 'Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED lah'
-------? ? ? ? ? ? ?-------
Thursday, November 6, 2008
交通警察。女生
他在十字路口攔住了她的「MATA」，敬禮後，請她出示駕駛證。
女生:「這是為什麼？」她坦率地驚問道。
交警:「您違犯了交通規則。」
女生:「誰告訴您的？」
交警:「我親眼看到的。快出示證件，我等著呢。」
女生:「您是不是認為我沒有駕照？」
交警:「我沒這樣認為。」
女生:「可是，我怎麼可以把證件交給一個完全不認識的人呢？」
交警:「我是交通警察，我有權這樣做。」
女生:「可我怎樣知道您是交警呢？」
交警:「難道您沒看見我穿的制服？」
女生:「制服能說明什麼？制服是可以假造的。我記得10年前，我的朋友張娜認識了一位軍人……」
交警:「請不要給我講故事，我在等您的證件。」
女生:「這不是故事，是往事。我只是想證明，制服並不總是可信的。」
交警:「那好吧，我可以讓您看一下我的工作證。」
女生:「這個嘛……也好，讓我看看。嗯，這麼說，您叫李維金？」
交警:「李維全。」
女生:「什麼？您瞧這全寫得像個金。算了，就當你是李維金吧，可是照片卻不像你呀？」
交警:「不知道，可能是沒戴帽子吧。強調一下。我叫李維全」
女生:「真的嗎？你摘下帽子讓我看看。還有，站直些，別皺眉頭。是的，有點像了。照片很久了吧？」
交警:「7年前……」
女生:「這能看出來。你那時看上去很帥。」
交警:「好了吧，請把證件還給我。」
女生:「你急啥？只要證件不是偽造的，就不會有什麼事發生。」
交警:「可我沒空呀，我正在值班。」
女生:「你是否認為，我的空閒時間很多？我馬上要去市場，順路還得找女裁縫，還要去看望生病的姑姑，還得給丈夫打電話……」
交警:「我求您了，快把證件還給我！您看看，您讓後面堵了多少車了。」
女生:「這怎麼能怨我？要知道並不是我攔住了您，而是您攔住了我。」
交警:「好吧，好吧，算我錯了。只是懇求您快把證件還給我，把車開走。」
女生:「就是嘛！給您證件。以後可別再製造交通堵塞了。」
女生:「這是為什麼？」她坦率地驚問道。
交警:「您違犯了交通規則。」
女生:「誰告訴您的？」
交警:「我親眼看到的。快出示證件，我等著呢。」
女生:「您是不是認為我沒有駕照？」
交警:「我沒這樣認為。」
女生:「可是，我怎麼可以把證件交給一個完全不認識的人呢？」
交警:「我是交通警察，我有權這樣做。」
女生:「可我怎樣知道您是交警呢？」
交警:「難道您沒看見我穿的制服？」
女生:「制服能說明什麼？制服是可以假造的。我記得10年前，我的朋友張娜認識了一位軍人……」
交警:「請不要給我講故事，我在等您的證件。」
女生:「這不是故事，是往事。我只是想證明，制服並不總是可信的。」
交警:「那好吧，我可以讓您看一下我的工作證。」
女生:「這個嘛……也好，讓我看看。嗯，這麼說，您叫李維金？」
交警:「李維全。」
女生:「什麼？您瞧這全寫得像個金。算了，就當你是李維金吧，可是照片卻不像你呀？」
交警:「不知道，可能是沒戴帽子吧。強調一下。我叫李維全」
女生:「真的嗎？你摘下帽子讓我看看。還有，站直些，別皺眉頭。是的，有點像了。照片很久了吧？」
交警:「7年前……」
女生:「這能看出來。你那時看上去很帥。」
交警:「好了吧，請把證件還給我。」
女生:「你急啥？只要證件不是偽造的，就不會有什麼事發生。」
交警:「可我沒空呀，我正在值班。」
女生:「你是否認為，我的空閒時間很多？我馬上要去市場，順路還得找女裁縫，還要去看望生病的姑姑，還得給丈夫打電話……」
交警:「我求您了，快把證件還給我！您看看，您讓後面堵了多少車了。」
女生:「這怎麼能怨我？要知道並不是我攔住了您，而是您攔住了我。」
交警:「好吧，好吧，算我錯了。只是懇求您快把證件還給我，把車開走。」
女生:「就是嘛！給您證件。以後可別再製造交通堵塞了。」
Saturday, October 4, 2008
Some Points to Think about
1. A Foolish man tells a woman to STOP talking, but a WISE man tells her that she looks extremely BEAUTIFUL when her LIPS are CLOSED.
2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption:
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD; After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY
3. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.
4. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman. Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral: BE SPECIFIC
5. What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time? It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.
6. Let us be generous like this: Four Ants are moving through a forest. They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says : we should KILL him. Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone. Ant 3 says: No, we will just throw him away from our path. Ant 4 says: No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR .
7. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life. If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.
8. Question: When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE? Answer: On their MARRIAGE.
9. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and asks him to free you from Darkness. Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.
10. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women. Because per Constitution, you can NOT be Punished TWICE for the same Mistake.
11. "A Ship is always safe at the shore - but that is NOT what it is built for" - Albert Einstein
2. One GOOD way to REDUCE Alcohol consumption:
Before Marriage - Drink whenever you are SAD; After Marriage - Drink whenever you are HAPPY
3. Love your friends not their sisters. Love your sisters not their friends.
4. A man got 2 wishes from GOD. He asked for the Best wine and Best Woman. Next moment, he had the Best Wine and Mother Teresa next to him.
Moral: BE SPECIFIC
5. What is a BEST and WORST news you can hear at the SAME time? It is when your Girl Friend says YOU are the BEST KISSER among all your Friends.
6. Let us be generous like this: Four Ants are moving through a forest. They see an ELEPHANT coming towards them. Ant 1 says : we should KILL him. Ant 2 says : No, Let us break his Leg alone. Ant 3 says: No, we will just throw him away from our path. Ant 4 says: No, we will LEAVE him because he is ALONE and we are FOUR .
7. If you do NOT have a Girl Friend - You are missing SOME thing in your life. If you HAVE a Girl Friend - You are missing EVERY thing in your life.
8. Question: When do you CONGRATULATE someone for their MISTAKE? Answer: On their MARRIAGE.
9. When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and asks him to free you from Darkness. Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness - Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.
10. Why Government do NOT allow a Man to MARRY 2 Women. Because per Constitution, you can NOT be Punished TWICE for the same Mistake.
11. "A Ship is always safe at the shore - but that is NOT what it is built for" - Albert Einstein
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Laughter is the best medicine
Confidence will get you Everything
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
Don't Talk to the Parrot
Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.
He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler, Brutus. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!" When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!"
To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!"
Lending a Hand
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just need one copy..."
Bathroom Conversation
Leaving KL for JB, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall... "Hi there, how is it going?" Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say: "Not bad..." Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?" I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm going back to JB..." Then I hear the person say all flustered: "Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
Don't Talk to the Parrot
Mrs. Broomfield's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.
He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler, Brutus. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!" When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Broomfield's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with his incessant squawking and talking.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid bird!"
To which the parrot replied: "Get him, Brutus!"
Lending a Hand
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
"I just need one copy..."
Bathroom Conversation
Leaving KL for JB, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall... "Hi there, how is it going?" Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say so finally I say: "Not bad..." Then the voice says: "So, what are you doing?" I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say: "Well, I'm going back to JB..." Then I hear the person say all flustered: "Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."
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